Is it just me???
So much has happened to me in the past 2 years. I moved to New York (which I never wanted to do). I am getting divorced (thankfully, but a total shock) I am a single parent and I found that there is more to life than working, eating and playing games with my kids. Not that any of that is bad at all. I love playing with my kids and believe work is good for the soul. I try to teach my children the value of hard work and the fruits of honest labour as often as I can.
I was an electrician ages and ages ago while I was at University. It was a strange job for me as I hate being dirty and construction is solidly tied to mess and dirt, or so I found. Something I miss though is the satisfaction at the end of the day, when I could see a completed project. My hands and effort made something that people would depend on and use for years. I haven't felt like that about traditional work for quite some time . . .
Anyway, since those long gone days and my fairly recent days of singleness (slightly past tense as I have a wonderful girlfriend now) I've been forced to look at myself in a different way. When you are with a partner for so long, 14 years of marriage in my case, you tend not to see yourself as a marketable commodity.
Commodity . . . What a terrible way of approaching it, but in the single world its exactly the way its seen. How do I measure up? What is expected of me in a relationship? What am I looking for in a partner? What do I have to offer or am willing to offer? These things are categorised, weighed and analysed . . . ARGGGGHHHHHH, it was terrible.
While the "single person" scene leaved much to be desired, I did get something out of it. I had a lot of soul searching to do when my ex left me. The questions above lead me to deeper questions: How much of this was my doing? What can I learn from this? Even more importantly Who am I? I saw a lot of things I liked and far more that I didn't and I made steps to make me happy with me. Its a journey I am still on, but I am pleased with the progress so far.
An interesting thing I found out during this discovery is how different I was from other men. I always knew I was a bit odd, but who doesn't think that about themselves really? We are all unique. The feeling is still there . . I am not like these guys. And when I was dating, oh my, the same reaction came from the ladies I took out. Anything from "You are kidding, right?" to "don't all guys like to watch porn?" was said to me and I had to set them straight on who I was all the time.
One interesting thing I find is the inability of most men to see beauty in all things. This seems to be offputting to both women and men. My last girlfriend would say, "you are scaring me". Is it really that bad? I won't be forced to say I am not gay, which I am not, but is being objectively aware of beauty really that odd? I sure found out.
I can very easily say a man is attractive. I can see the aesthetic superficial view of attractiveness as well as the next person and am amazed how so many men aren't able to either admit to it or just aren't able to see past the homo-phobic dogma that limits them.
Well this is all well and good, I can't blame them, but it made me think of why I am like this. I mean my dad was a real perve. I hate saying that but its true. My male friends weren't joining protests for women's rights or anything. So why do I think like this? There must be a reason. I don't claim to have the answer, but then I got some insight from my spiritual advisor Karen.
I met Karen at work when I moved to New York. She sat next to me and we instantly became close despite her barking and tough outward demeanor. Karen helped me through this past 2 years, the toughest time in my entire life. She wasn't a shoulder to cry on or a nodding head to tell me it would all be ok. She matter of factly stated what she saw, helped me see my part and where my part ended in terms of responsibility, not just for my failed marriage, but for me as a person.
The other day Karen was telling me about a book she was reading and thought I might like called THE WAY OF THE SUPERIOR MAN by David Deida. In the summary of the book read this line:
"It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal,
all spine and no heart, " writes David Deida.
"It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive
and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine."
I was shocked. I am definitely not the "macho jerk", but am I the caring wimp, all heart and no spine?
If you heard me yell, you'd say . . umm NO . . but then everyone gets upset. I am not saying I am the definitive geek getting dirt kicked in his face, but it scared me. Could it be that in my determination to not be my father that I became his alter-ego, the spineless whimp? Wow . . tooo deep.
The fact is I do have a spine, deep under a padding of jelly and marshmallows, and the fact that I am sensitive, care what people think and can honestly say that Brad Pitt is very attractive, whilst not in any way thinking of him sexually, is alright with me!!!! But it is something to think about . . . . .
As a side note, I've always known that I enjoy the company of women. I've been called a flirt on more than a couple occasions . . SOOO UNTRUE . . . I would always get along better with my ex's friends than their husbands and in high-school nearly all of my friends were women.
I tried to tie this fact into the above "whimp theory" and came up with something, I think. . . . .
Male conversation is boring . . . generally
You get a group of guys together, with no women, and it seems that IQ and time go down by 80, leaving you with several foolish people in the 1940s. Racial jokes, degrading women and cock wagging. Its just not for me.
My 2 best friends in the world are men. We don't do that . . often . . . haha . . kidding. The generality is true and sorry to say this, but it happens far more often in England. Sorry, but thats what I experienced.
I could easily be wrong, but it seems that when women get together, its different. It can be catty shrew-like attacks, bitchy backstabbing barbs (haha alliteration . . weeeee), simple stories and anecdotes or even lovely heartfelt chat about old times, dreams goals and hugs. Guys just don't do that, unless they are drunk, at which time there are far too many hugs for my liking and the shrew-like attacks are replaced with haymakers . . ouch . . haha
So what does this all mean? As usual, I don't know! Perhaps it means I should give men more of a chance and steer them into the 21st Century, not mind that I have a sensitive soul and be happy when ladies allow me to participate in their conversations . . . What do I know???
So much has happened to me in the past 2 years. I moved to New York (which I never wanted to do). I am getting divorced (thankfully, but a total shock) I am a single parent and I found that there is more to life than working, eating and playing games with my kids. Not that any of that is bad at all. I love playing with my kids and believe work is good for the soul. I try to teach my children the value of hard work and the fruits of honest labour as often as I can.
I was an electrician ages and ages ago while I was at University. It was a strange job for me as I hate being dirty and construction is solidly tied to mess and dirt, or so I found. Something I miss though is the satisfaction at the end of the day, when I could see a completed project. My hands and effort made something that people would depend on and use for years. I haven't felt like that about traditional work for quite some time . . .
Anyway, since those long gone days and my fairly recent days of singleness (slightly past tense as I have a wonderful girlfriend now) I've been forced to look at myself in a different way. When you are with a partner for so long, 14 years of marriage in my case, you tend not to see yourself as a marketable commodity.
Commodity . . . What a terrible way of approaching it, but in the single world its exactly the way its seen. How do I measure up? What is expected of me in a relationship? What am I looking for in a partner? What do I have to offer or am willing to offer? These things are categorised, weighed and analysed . . . ARGGGGHHHHHH, it was terrible.
While the "single person" scene leaved much to be desired, I did get something out of it. I had a lot of soul searching to do when my ex left me. The questions above lead me to deeper questions: How much of this was my doing? What can I learn from this? Even more importantly Who am I? I saw a lot of things I liked and far more that I didn't and I made steps to make me happy with me. Its a journey I am still on, but I am pleased with the progress so far.
An interesting thing I found out during this discovery is how different I was from other men. I always knew I was a bit odd, but who doesn't think that about themselves really? We are all unique. The feeling is still there . . I am not like these guys. And when I was dating, oh my, the same reaction came from the ladies I took out. Anything from "You are kidding, right?" to "don't all guys like to watch porn?" was said to me and I had to set them straight on who I was all the time.
One interesting thing I find is the inability of most men to see beauty in all things. This seems to be offputting to both women and men. My last girlfriend would say, "you are scaring me". Is it really that bad? I won't be forced to say I am not gay, which I am not, but is being objectively aware of beauty really that odd? I sure found out.
I can very easily say a man is attractive. I can see the aesthetic superficial view of attractiveness as well as the next person and am amazed how so many men aren't able to either admit to it or just aren't able to see past the homo-phobic dogma that limits them.
Well this is all well and good, I can't blame them, but it made me think of why I am like this. I mean my dad was a real perve. I hate saying that but its true. My male friends weren't joining protests for women's rights or anything. So why do I think like this? There must be a reason. I don't claim to have the answer, but then I got some insight from my spiritual advisor Karen.
I met Karen at work when I moved to New York. She sat next to me and we instantly became close despite her barking and tough outward demeanor. Karen helped me through this past 2 years, the toughest time in my entire life. She wasn't a shoulder to cry on or a nodding head to tell me it would all be ok. She matter of factly stated what she saw, helped me see my part and where my part ended in terms of responsibility, not just for my failed marriage, but for me as a person.
The other day Karen was telling me about a book she was reading and thought I might like called THE WAY OF THE SUPERIOR MAN by David Deida. In the summary of the book read this line:
"It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal,
all spine and no heart, " writes David Deida.
"It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive
and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine."
I was shocked. I am definitely not the "macho jerk", but am I the caring wimp, all heart and no spine?
If you heard me yell, you'd say . . umm NO . . but then everyone gets upset. I am not saying I am the definitive geek getting dirt kicked in his face, but it scared me. Could it be that in my determination to not be my father that I became his alter-ego, the spineless whimp? Wow . . tooo deep.
The fact is I do have a spine, deep under a padding of jelly and marshmallows, and the fact that I am sensitive, care what people think and can honestly say that Brad Pitt is very attractive, whilst not in any way thinking of him sexually, is alright with me!!!! But it is something to think about . . . . .
As a side note, I've always known that I enjoy the company of women. I've been called a flirt on more than a couple occasions . . SOOO UNTRUE . . . I would always get along better with my ex's friends than their husbands and in high-school nearly all of my friends were women.
I tried to tie this fact into the above "whimp theory" and came up with something, I think. . . . .
Male conversation is boring . . . generally
You get a group of guys together, with no women, and it seems that IQ and time go down by 80, leaving you with several foolish people in the 1940s. Racial jokes, degrading women and cock wagging. Its just not for me.
My 2 best friends in the world are men. We don't do that . . often . . . haha . . kidding. The generality is true and sorry to say this, but it happens far more often in England. Sorry, but thats what I experienced.
I could easily be wrong, but it seems that when women get together, its different. It can be catty shrew-like attacks, bitchy backstabbing barbs (haha alliteration . . weeeee), simple stories and anecdotes or even lovely heartfelt chat about old times, dreams goals and hugs. Guys just don't do that, unless they are drunk, at which time there are far too many hugs for my liking and the shrew-like attacks are replaced with haymakers . . ouch . . haha
So what does this all mean? As usual, I don't know! Perhaps it means I should give men more of a chance and steer them into the 21st Century, not mind that I have a sensitive soul and be happy when ladies allow me to participate in their conversations . . . What do I know???
posted by Darrin at 3:56 PM
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